I was on the phone with my best friend when the drug finally took effect. I eagerly kept telling him to talk to me, otherwise my soul would leave this world and get to another dimension. The bond between me and the universe became clear. At some point I thought I was the whole universe; my heartbeat was the rhythm of the universe.
Then I sensed death. I couldn't stop talking about suicide. I was very curious about what would happen after death. I stared at the computer and cup on my desk, and they seemed all so strange and out.
Everything became illusory. My body, my relationships with my parents, friends were imagined and built by simple powder. A blow of wind could destroy everything and my soul would be the only thing left. Language, knowledge, and equations became meaningless. They are just imagined by humans. Anything could be calculated. At one point my brain started to calculate Chinese characters, for instance, I tried to figure out "所以 (so)” plus "苹果(apple)” equaled what.
Not only did I see the universe, various planets and the vast unsettling infinite space, but I heard things too. I heard the low hum from interstellar dust. It was like a deep buzzing symphony.
Then I felt the suffering of each individual on earth. I understood all the unwelcome looks ugly guys received and the prejudice disabled guys got. I was them. Everything is a circle. I circle around and I circle back. I am pretty now and I will be ugly in the future.
I realized, now that everything is circling around, what was the point of life? What are we fighting for? Why do we struggle?
I was so small. My existence is so random. Everything I had, my relationships, my philosophy, were material. They could be touched by hand, and materialized.
Then I lost control of my body. I started shaking. Sela told me it was normal and a typical of overdose symptom, and I need not to worry. He kept talking to me, making my brain occupied. He said he experienced the feeling of losing control, and it was not a result of any kind of drug. He just passed out for no reason. How dreadful is that! He thought he was going to die. I asked: am I going to die? Will I be like this forever? Will my mind get peace again? Will I be a phyco from now on? He said no, you won't. I promise. They are all illusion.
Sela went downstairs to throw out the garbage. It was the garbage day. I was alone in the kitchen. With nothing to distract my attention, I got deeply absorbed in panic. I tried to embace the universe but it just scared me. I didn't even dare to look back, literarily, because I believed behind my back was the universe. If I turned back and saw it, everything would be proved, and I would leave this beautiful world forever. Then my best friend started to yell at me over the phone, and an amazing thing happened. I was dragged back to this world. My surroundings started to become real. There is an old custom in China, "叫魂 (jiao hun)". It is performed by a witch who can bring someone mad back to normal. Someone might has behaved weirdly, eyes lifeless, because his or her soul was taken away. The witch should take the soul back. I had thought it was BS until the point my best friend's yelling brought me back to this world.
When I was sitting in the kitchen, I was totally convinced that my upper body is in the physical world, but my lower body is in space. My feet were dangling in space. When I got time and the right mood, I would draw what I saw on a paper.
Picture Source: Facebook: Aliēnātus: the truth is out there
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